10 Reasons Why I Hate Jazz, By Miriam Nerval, A Pretentious Classical Musician

by Miriam Nerval

1) Jazz Musicians. You know me, I’m not one for blatant prejudice, or horribly sweeping statements (evidence backing this is currently unavailable), but Jazz Musicians as a whole really get under my skin. All such people I have EVER encountered have all turned out to be pretentious idiots, who seem to be living under the impression that they are God’s gift to music. They’re really not. “oooh look at us, we can improvise and play our quavers with a dotted rhythm”. Sweet. I hate you.

2) “The ability to play good Jazz is the only true measure of character”. A musician told me that, but not just any musician a JAZZ pianist, would you believe. How on EARTH could you back this up? For a start, where’s the line between “good” and “bad” jazz? I could spend weeks arguing the point that there is no such thing as GOOD jazz, but suppose for a minute there is, you’re not necessarily a better person for being able to play it. In fact, if you turn into a Jazz musician, there’s the destruction of your character right there. Besides, I bet Charlie Mason played some sick Jazz.

3) Being directed to swing my quavers. Arrrrrrrrgh! I DO NOT appreciate being told this. What’s wrong with straight quavers? I happen to be rather fond of straight quavers. I do NOT dig this swingin’ rhythm it creates. If you’re going to play a dotted rhythm, at least play it properly; as our favourite Baroque forefathers would have intended.

4) 12 bar blues. I once had a music teacher who raved about 12 bar blues, about what a notion of musical genius the structure was. ARE YOU KIDDING? Effectively, the basic 12 bar blue structure is based on the chords : I I I I IV IV I I V IV I I. That’s 8 bars of chord I, how can you be excited about 8 bars of the tonic chord?! Simple things I suppose, but still, what a bangin’ party. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking you CD player was stuck on repeat. Sometimes (if they’re feeling really wild) musicians can substitute the last chord for chord V, or even, wait for it IV, what CRAZY kids. Occasionally, they’ll replace the third I chord for any other chord of the scale! WOW! They really live on the edge, that DOES make for exciting listening.

5) Pitch bending on the clarinet. It sounds horrible enough on the sax, but really, was there any need to drag the clarinet into the “off the wall jazz techniques” it’s been exposed too. It has such a beautiful tone! BEAUTIFUL. Why do it? WHY?

6) The pieces have stupid names. One of stage band’s favourites to whip out when we let our guards down was entitled “Green Onions”. There’s a big difference between quirky, and shit. Somebody needs to tell them.

I think that alone establishes my point.

7) Jazz arrangements for non-jazz instruments, for example recorder. My teacher used to make me play these ear-sores in concerts, announcing to the audience it was to “prove recorders can do jazz too”. Why prove that?! I’m happy NOT to be associated with such things. I love recorders, but there’s no way they can compete with saxophones, you’ll look like a joke. Like all the other “jazz musicians” in town.

8 ) Blues scales. Never has a genre been less deserving of its own scale. Apparently diminution of intervals is pretty exciting, off the wall even. Since when has flattening a couple of notes been the signal of a revolution?

9) Improvisation. Woop woop, how flashy. How hard can it be? Really? Swing some quavers from the notes of their precious blues scale, over a chord like to be I IV or V (especially if you’re in 12 bar blues, my absolute favourite). Musicians have to improvise across the genres, so why is it considered so very new and exciting when in jazz?! I HATE it.

10) Jazz fusion. Jazz should not be allowed to “fuse” with anything. Containing it quickly and safely is the ONLY way we can stamp it out completely.

In the next episode of reasons why jazz ruined my life, more bitching’ on the topics of trumpets, stop time and Miles Davis.

I hope Malcolm doesn’t read this, I love a bit of Knapp.

In other news, I’m watching JFK with Kevin Costner in at the moment. I’d forgotten how fucking good this is, Lee Harvey Oswald was such a dish!

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Author: National-Satanist

Just another blue-eyed devil...

3 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why I Hate Jazz, By Miriam Nerval, A Pretentious Classical Musician”

  1. My dear readers, as any of you know, there is an aural plague bit by bit, infesting our nation, growing ever-larger one person at a time. It’s wup-wup-filled thumping is more tortuous to a sound mind than a chorus of demons, and yet this maddening melody grows ever louder. As any one who has set foot in a high school or college campus knows, this musical menace is known as dubstep.

    According to Wikipedia, dupstep originated in southern London, which from my limited understanding of the area as an American living on the opposite side of the ocean, I can only assume is where the British equivalents of Hipsters reside. Created almost entirely by computer-based sound-editing programs, and as such, takes next to no musical talent to create, almost every single track consists of barely distinguishable sound effects and base drops. Tragically, like many other international horrors like the vuvuzela or tentacle porn, it spread it’s way to mainstream popularity by means of certain masochistic sub-cultures, much to the annoyance of the majority of the population with decent tastes in cultural tastes.

    As you might have guessed from my tone, I am not a fan. And not just because I’m tired of random idiots at school running up to me with a set of headphones telling me “Listen to that bass dude. It’s so dirty. Wait for the drop. Here it comes—wait, wait—yes. Uuunnnngh. That drop is so nasty.” To be fair, nasty and dirty are both appropriate adjectives for the genre.

    This throbbing and abrasive affront to music at least to me has always sounded like Optimus Prime getting raped as compared to actual music. In every track I’ve had the misfortune to hear – it seems like it’s fans like to play it on their speakers loud enough for me to hear half a parking lot away – there is no melody, no musical instruments, no lyrics or anything technically musical about dubstep. It’s just a bunch of of bass drops with that signature wob-wob-wob repeated in every single track, typically played at volumes loud enough to shatter glass – and typically give me a headache in the process.

    The annoying music is only compounded by the annoying fan base, which has to be one of pop culture’s most pretentious, extolling the virtues of this ‘genre’ at any provided opurtunity. While I’m sure there are some people who legitimately like dubstep, the vast majority that I’ve encountered aren’t in it for the music. You have the preppy scene kids who like it because it’s the ‘in’ thing at the moment. Then you have the junkies who listen to it while stoned for the sensory overload that follows, that or found murdering their brain cells a preferable alternative to listening to dubstep. The last, and worst of the bunch, are the hipsters, which in hindsight makes perfect sense. After all, what is more essentially hipsterish than crappy underground music that makes anyone with good taste ears start bleeding?

    At least in my opinion though, the worst part about dubstep is just how artificial and fake it is. Those words tend to get tossed around a lot with bad music, to the point I feel they’ve lost there original meaning to a lot of people. At least to me, music should always be about the human element of the equation, about the musician slaving over thier strings and songs, pouring thier passion into the music in hopes that an audience will share that same passion. It should take heart, drive, and above all else, talent to make a musician and music. That’s one of the reason’s I detest pop music as much as I do, as so much of it these days has lost that human element, where computers and auto-tune are increasingly the means of the genre. The less of that musicians touch, the more artificial and fake the music is.

    Dupstep is about as artificial and fake as music can be before it devolves into just noise. For all of it’s wub-laden bass lines and drops, in a typical dubstep track, there’s no melody, no lyrics, no tune, no song, and no music. It’s just a bunch of sound effects that anyone with a decent editing program on their computer can piece together and wait for the first idiot on a meth high on to declare it ‘nasty’. There’s no heart, no song, no music, no soul in the entire genre. It’s a tune for the tasteless, a melody for the mindless, a background noise for all of those who do not wish to trouble themselves with genuine music.

    Some like minded critics of have likened dubstep to this generation’s disco, and there is some merit in this comparison, seeing as they are both crappy passing fad sub-genre’s that only appeal for the most part to junkies and hippies/hipsters. However, I feel it doesn’t truly capture it fully, as even disco, in all it’s horror, could still qualify as music, while dubstep barely qualifies as an extended sound effect. No, dubstep is to music what Holy Virgin Mary was to art; an attempt by some talentless losers to degrade an entire art form to the point of bunch of imbeciles will consider fecal matter ‘culture’, and at least in my opinion, the sooner we stop letting the junkies and hipsters pollute the airwaves with this crap, the better.

    http://www.dudeletter.com/why-i-hate-dupstep/

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  2. The same thing is happening to music as is happening to beauty in a world dominated by the shavelings. The Jew has created a new inversion of values and replaced the loveliness of music with noises.

    – ADOLF HITLER, 21 FEBRUARY 1942

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